|
I have always felt
too uncontained
Too raw too loud too little too crazy
Too bright too quiet too happy too sad
Too dark too creative too smart
too thought-full Too fast too big too weird
too inventive too bad too odd
Too wiggly too enthusiastic too slippery
too depressed too expressive too emotional
Too spread out
and like I have no skin on
For the World
Like a giant, fat prickly puffer fish that no one can get close to because
they can’t stand me because there’s just too much of me. I have always been the big fat puffer fish in the aquarium.
I have always collected containers… big ones, small ones. Giant
ones Plastic ones. Glass ones. Wood ones. In every color of the rainbow. I have containers to keep my containers in. Tupperware
and Gladware are my best friends.
I am always trying to Contain things. Contain MYSELF. MYSELVES. Put myself
in a box and STAY THERE and BEHAVE.
Part of me wishes I could just be free to be me and not have to edit
myself just to be acceptable to the world. But the rest of me knows that if I’m ever going to get anywhere, I better
conform to what people think is OK or I’ll never get along in this world. Put some bars around that puffer fish, girl.
Its better for other people, and they will say its ultimately better for me, to put some boundaries around myself and not
be so…. MUCH. Not so much BIG . Not so much EMOTIONAL. Not so much “AAAGGGHHHH!!!!” Not so much “There
she goes again!” Not so much “I don’t know what to do with her.” Not so much ME. Put some skin on
and CONTAIN myself. I have to learn how.
The name I go by is Pilgrim. Many people know me only by this name,
but I use it to protect my identity, sometimes only from myself. Pilgrim, I, me...we, us... a lot of the time, I find myself
needing to pretend that this isn't my life. I hide behind the name of Pilgrim so that I don't- quite-yet have to face things
that I'm not ready to.
|
